When You Think You've Let Go, Let Go a Little More


About three months ago, I stood on the banks of the lake near Kripalu, surrounded by my Spirit Junkie brothers and sisters, and released the belief that I am not enough. That my truth isn't valuable.

That I'm not here for a greater purpose than showing up to an office, working for the weekend, struggling to move beyond self doubt and negative self talk, saving up for the day when I get to retire and finally enjoy my life fully. 

At least, I thought I did. 

I stood surrounded by the incredible humans I'd spent the past week with at Gabby's Spirit Junkie Masterclass level 2 training. Each of us had found a rock or stone, and walked through the woods to the lake. And we each stood there, soaking our negative stories and limiting beliefs into those stones, and prepared to let them go. 

Today, on the blue moon + lunar eclipse, as I prepare to release yet another round of stories, fears and doubts, I realized that I didn't quite detach last time. 

Thinking back on that gorgeous day by the lake, I remember my heart pounding in my chest. I went toward the beginning of our group, because as each person went and declared their release I felt more and more self conscious and gripped by my perfectionism. 

What could I possibly say that will impress these people? I thought. 

They're all so inspiring, amazing, brave, powerful. I just want them to like me. Fuck, they'll probably never like me. I'm such a fraud. 

These were the thoughts running through my mind as we prepared to release the negative patterning the had been keeping each of us small. Clearly, I still had some work to do. 

When I saw an opportunity, I leapt into the middle of our circle - truly, it was a hop/leap combo that  in my mind made me look like an overzealous idiot. I stood, holding my pebble overhead, and declared that I was releasing the idea that I'm not good enough, that I don't know enough to fulfill my purpose. That my voice doesn't matter. As I threw my stone into the lake, my release was greeted by cheers and applause from all of those who surrounded me. 

And still, as I walked back to Kripalu, I felt myself crippled by self doubt again. he woman who went after you was so much better. And what about Val? His was so good. Man, everyone probably thinks you're such a loser. 

But today, about three months later, as I look back on that moment, I'm filled with so much gratitude. I'm welling up with tears, remembering that moment, and reflecting on how unkind I've been to myself - even in the moment when I was surrounded by so much love, nurturing, support and vulnerability. 

The truth is, that moment started a huge shift for me. In that moment, I said yes to beginning my release. I said yes to surrendering the beliefs that have kept me small. The beliefs that have served me - and let's be clear, limiting beliefs serve us, in a way. Playing the victim is useful. Building a limiting belief to protect yourself is useful. Telling yourself you don't deserve to run a successful, passion filled business so that you don't try and fall on your face is useful. 

Until it isn't. Until it's your time to rise up. Until you say yes to healing, yes to your passion, yes to your purpose. 

And sometimes, the release takes a while. But in the moment when that first 'yes' is uttered to the Universe, a magic of your life begins. The first moment you get into the energy of I'm ready, I have faith, I believe in me - the wheels start turning, and your life truly begins. 

As I look back on this photo of me in that first moment of yes, I'm so proud of myself. I'm so proud that I woke up. That I said yes. That I kept holding on, even when it felt like there was no light. And I realize, for so many of the beautiful souls I work with, making it into my circle is their first moment of yes. 

Which is absolutely the most beautiful, moving thing in the world. 

Sending you so much love, grace and peace as you move through your journey. May you release what no longer serves you, and use this Blue Moon x Lunar Eclipse energy to speak your truth a little bit more each day.